


The Root Of The Situation

by icarusisfalling



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Dirty Jokes, Flirting, Fruit, Gen, Humor, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 06:18:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16592444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusisfalling/pseuds/icarusisfalling
Summary: Steve learns a new trick and shows the others, but doesn't know the joke behind it.





	The Root Of The Situation

**Author's Note:**

> Dude, I'm tired.
> 
> Enjoy

“But I like junk food.”

“I am aware of this.  Eat your fruit salad.”

“But it’s full of…..fruit.”

“Thus the name.”  Coulson resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  "Eat it.“

"Not hungry.”

“That’s fine, but if you go for the cookies, I swear I will put you on the ground.”

Clint groaned, slumping low in his chair.  "That would almost make it worth it.  Either I get cookies, or I’ll get jumped.  Win-win.“

"No sex in my kitchen,” Tony said, wandering in.  He rubbed a hand over his head, yawning. “Good morning.”

“It’s three pm.” Clint gave him a look and flicked a piece of melon at his forehead.

“I’m awake. Thus, it is morning.”  Tony slumped over the counter, staring at the coffee maker with an expectant eye. "Why is there no coffee?“

"Because Jarvis is cutting you off, I assume,” Coulson said, making quick work of the watermelon. Lifting the cutting board, he pushed the cut fruit into the bowl with a flick of his knife.

“How can he be cutting me off?  I just-  I just woke up!” Tony stared up at the nearest security camera. "I just woke up!“

"It was agreed that it was to your benefit to limit your coffee intake,” Jarvis explained.

“It was agreed?  Who agreed this?  I wasn’t part of this discussion, I would’ve remembered being part of this discussion.” Tony pointed an imperious finger at the coffee pot.  "You. Make coffee.“

"I am sorry, sir,”Jarvis said, and he sounded smug. "The supplies have been relocated. You may have some tomorrow, provided you appear in civilized company prior to noon.“

"This is mutiny, Jarvis, this is rank treason.  I will have your circuits for this!”

“Stop threatening Jarvis,” Steve said, wandering into the kitchen. His hair was damp and he was dressed in his workout clothes, a towel slung around his neck. "You’d die if you actually deactivated him.“

"I’m not helpless,” Tony said, insulted.  It didn’t help his case that he was pawing at the coffee maker when he said it. "Goddamn it, I should not have removed the manual settings on this thing.“

"Even if you could get it open,” Coulson pointed out, wiping his hands on a tea towel, “he really has hidden the beans.”

“This is just uncalled for!”

“Have some fruit salad,” Clint said, because, hell, if he had to suffer, so should everyone else. "It’s full of health. I guess.“ Tony gave him a look and Clint grinned. "Listen, dude, you can’t work your own coffee maker. Eat your fruit salad and go back to bed, you’re not getting anything done today.”

“I hate you all,” Tony said, collapsing into a chair.  He looked down at the bowl of fruit that Coulson placed in front of him with the expression of a man expecting poison.  He picked up his spoon and poked a piece of Honeydew. "This is just-  Really.  It’s not poor nutrition that’s going to kill me, people.“

"Let’s pretend,” Coulson told him, the words at odd with the deadly look he cut in Tony’s direction.

Steve grinned at the piles of fruit. "I love summer,’ he said, snagging a cherry. "Oh! Oh, watch this.“  As all three men glanced at him, he popped the cherry in his mouth and started to chew.

Clint put down his fork. He looked at Coulson, Coulson looked at him. Tony’s jaw dropped.  Steve made a series of ever increasingly odd faces.  He held up a finger, and Clint could see his tongue pushing at the inside of his cheek.

The kitchen was dead silent as Steve stuck out his tongue and plucked the neatly tied cherry stem off of it.  "Ta-da!” he said, grinning.  

Clint buried his face in his hands.

“Where did you learn to do that?” Coulson asked, his words very slow and even.

“A girl in the USO shows taught me,” Steve said, grinning. Clint peeked out from between his fingers in time to catch the truly PROUD expression on the man’s face. "Look, Tony!“ Steve held the stem up.

"Uhavahasha,” Tony said, as a piece of melon fell off the end of his spoon to land with a splat  back in the bowl. He didn’t seem to notice.  

Steve grinned down at his handiwork. "I should show Natasha,“ he said. He paused and sniffed at his shirt. "I should shower, actually.  Save me some fruit, Coulson? I’ll be right back!”

Then he bounced out of the kitchen.

“The girl that showed him that. She was trying to hit on him, wasn’t she?” Clint asked

“Yes,” Coulson said, leaning against the counter.

“And he missed it entirely, didn’t he?”

“He did, yes.”

“He asked her to teach him her trick instead.”

“That seems to be the case.”  

Clint paused. "He has no idea what that trick signifies, does he?“

"Not at all,” Coulson agreed.

“Someone has to tell him, before he does that in public.”

“That’s an excellent idea.”

Clint closed his eyes.  "It’s gonna be me, isn’t it?“

"It is sure as hell not going to be me,” Coulson said, and yes, the man was flushing, just a hint of color on the high angle of his cheekbones.  

“yeah, you’re not allowed to discuss sex with Captain America. You’ll die.” Clint turned to Tony, who was staring at the space Steve had been occupying, his mouth gaping open and his spoon hanging limp in midair. "I think Stark’s already dead.“

He pushed his chair back with a sigh. "Jarvis, I think you have to let him have some coffee, we’re in total reboot mode over here.”

“I fear you are correct, Agent Barton.” There was a faint sigh, then the coffee machine began to hiss.

“And if I have to explain to Steve that he should not be showing off his oral prowess in public, I get a damn cookie,” Clint said.

“Take the bag,” Coulson said.

"What did I do to deserve this?" Clint mumbled as he went after Steve.

"Do you think, that if I asked Steve extra nicely, he would suck my-" Tony was cut off by Steve re-entering. 

The blonde grabbed a cherry, and ran to the gym to find Romanov. 

"She probably will break it to him, he's doesn't deserve this embarrassment." Coulson winced pitying him and the bright red blush he would have.

"He's too pure for this world" Tony muttered, looking at his phone.

"And this is the first time I agree with you"


End file.
